If Airlines Ruled the World

Dear Valued Amazon Customer,

We regret to inform you that your order for Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace cannot be fulfilled at this time due to product unavailability. It is the policy of Amazon to sell more copies of our books than we have in stock, on the chance that earlier orders may be cancelled. Unfortunately we have drastically underestimated demand for this title.

We do value your business, thus we will be sending you an only very slightly used copy of Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment instead. It will be arriving in four to six weeks. We understand that your original order was due to be shipped in three days, and that your replacement title has a significantly lower retail price, and we regret that we are not able to offer any refund or adjustment to your payment. We remind you that these policies are clearly outlined in our Terms of Service (which you may obtain by sending in a self-addressed, stamped envelope to our corporate office).

As always, we thank you for shopping with us, and we look forward to your continued business.

Amazon Customer Service

Dear Valued McDonald’s Customer,

Thank you for your recent e-mail about our new Value Meal pricing structure. To answer your question: no, what you read was not a misprint. We do, in fact, charge double the amount for a single cheeseburger than we do for a double cheeseburger or, in fact, two cheeseburgers. We recognize that this may be perplexing to some of our customers, but this policy is governed by advanced formulae of supply and demand, which we have found to be incomprehensible to the layperson.

If you should find that you are in need of only one cheeseburger, we recommend ordering the two-burger value meal (the “Number Two”) and disposing of one of the burgers in one of our handy trash receptacles. (We regret that we cannot allow transferral of the extra burger due to security reasons.)

Thank you as always for your input, and we look forward to your continued business.

McDonald’s Customer Service

Dear Valued Kaiser Permanente Member,

This letter is in response to your phone call of last week. We understand your concern with your recent emergency room service, but unfortunately we are unable to make any adjustments to your bill.

As you know, emergency rooms can become quite busy. As a result, it becomes necessary to increase the cost of service during peak times. We strongly encourage you in the future to make an appointment for emergency room service four to six weeks in advance. You may find that you pay a slightly higher premium than if you were to request immediate attention during off-peak hours (e.g., 4:00 to 5:00 am), but you will be able to rest easy knowing that you are guaranteed service at a reasonable price.*

We look forward to your continued business.

Kaiser Permanente Customer Service

*please note: “Guaranteed service at a reasonable price” shall in no way be interpreted to mean that reasonably priced service may be guaranteed. Kaiser Permanente reserves the right to deny service to any patient arriving later than fifteen minutes prior to a scheduled appointment, or in the event of the arrival of a newer patient willing to pay twice the reserved price.

Dear American Airlines Flyer,

We’ve got your money, so go fuck yourself.

American Airlines

p.s. We run this place now, bitch!